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Don’t be easy to define, let them wonder about you.

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Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

Monday- At home! It’s nice to be operating out of my office again. Everything neatly in it’s place, perfectly organized, and flowing with ease! *happy exhale*

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This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee is a Brazil from the amazing Axhead Coffee Roasters. This veteran owned, family operated business out of Jacksonville, NC brings you somethings so simple- an amazing cup of coffee. No frills, no gimmicks, just a damn good coffee! I am drinking my Brazil medium-course ground french pressed this morning.

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
Getting back into my flow after a week of being away is always hard. It also makes Monday morning a little lonely since I am back in my home office verse in a office full of people.

This Weeks Goal
– Make it through the week! (ha!)

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

 

Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

What’s worse than Monday? Monday morning when you’re sick! I made it so, SO long without catching anything going around and today? BAM! I feel like my head was hit with a train!

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This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee is a giant, strong cup of straight up Espresso. Maybe I can motivate the sickness out of me? Maybe?

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
This week my thoughts are about hitting my stride. Work, School, a lot of personal to-to’s and also combating what the hell this sickness is.

This Weeks Goal
– Get 100% of my classes in my iStudiez app. I was originally going to do it weekly, but I am thinking I want this semester in there up front.

-Hit my stride and keep going!

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

 

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Demons and Dialogue

It’s happening again. I find myself slipping into the abyss that is my mind.

8e34429318843818d49d164da68e1ca6I don’t think I will ever truly understand what gets me to this point. Things have been going really well. Getting ready to head to KY for work, which is always a good thing. Christmas is right around the corner, it’s been snowing (yayyy!!), I have removed the toxic people from my life which was a breath of fresh air. It’s all been good! Out of nowhere, it seems like I wake up one day and everything going on that I thought I was unbothered, or talked myself through hits me like a truck. (Whenever that metaphor is made I visualize one of those chicken-carrying trucks crashing and just feathers everywhere! why? no idea! It’s hilarious though!)

Once the chicken-truck smashes into me I end up sleeping all day, not eating, and crying at the drop of a hat. I hate who I see in the mirror. I lose my patience easier, I make decision based on my mood instead of using my brain. When all of that happens, my Lupus flairs and I end up actually sick- sometimes to the point of spending time in the hospital for my heart and such which puts me in an actual depression because than I really do feel broken.

It’s like a train wreck without the train 

There is no reason I should feel this way. NONE. Yet, there my demons are- waiting with open arms to take me around the dance floor of my brain. Whispering in my ear between every step that I’m not good enough, that I’m broken and unloveable, that I’m a horrible mom because I’m there, with them, instead of being the patient, loving mom we all are programmed to think is the only “right” mom.

I have no idea why I end up here. I know that only I have the power to stop the dance, to leave the door of my mind like Alice does Wonderland.

The hard part is once I’m here, it feels like home.79a69c8de978cf2739a76096893b8599

It’s hard to let go of the demons inside, they were holding you when no one would. 

5 years of therapy and medication has made leaps and bounds in my quality of life.  It has saved my life countless times. It has helped me through some of the worst times. It’s never the times that require me reaching into my therapy knowledge to get by that put me into this spell. This comes out of nowhere, triggered by apparently nothing. I haven’t missed meds. I have’t changed meds. Im not suicidal, Nothing has triggered me… Nothing has happened that I can see to put me here….yet, here I am keeping time with my monsters. It confuses my friends, it makes me a horrible mother, it makes to “too much to handle” for almost everyone around me. Cyclothymia is one thing- this….this is something that feel so different.

I live with the fear of not stopping the dance. Not finding the door back to reality which leaves me living with my minds inner dialog narrating my life for me. I worry that because I don’t know what causes this, I won’t be able to stop it. I worry they are right. What if I am a monster? What if I am unfixable and unloveable? What if I am like a curse to those who get too close?

I hate it. I hate who I am when this happens. I want to be the happiness I know I have. I want to be okay. I want to be the mom mini demon deserves. The friend my true friends deserve. To love without worry, to smile and mean it, to laugh from my soul and not from my mind.

This doesn’t define me. This won’t win. I’m a warrior. I’m successful. I am worthy. I’m scarier than any of my demons.

I have to find the door…

Coffee & Chaos · Random Post

Coffee & Chaos

Monday…. Can I pay you to just, go away? Pleeease?!

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This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee was a local one! Trve Kvlt Coffee!  I added my usual 1/2 scoop of raw sugar cane sugar and called it a morning! I love getting to support small businesses! Especially when its something like coffee!

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
There are NOT enough hours in the day this week. I have 3 days to get Yule stuff finished before tiny demon is out of school for break. I also have to prepare to leave for a week at work in Louisville, KY (home sweet home!!) I need extra days or something! MOAR COFFEE!

This Weeks Goal
– Finish all the Yule Shtuff
– Get travel and lodging for work figured out
– Get the Garage and everything else spotless so when I come home from traveling I’m ready to start the new year on a good note!

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

Coffee & Chaos · Random Post

Coffee & Chaos

694601194118745This Mornings Coffee
This mornings (first) cup of coffee is Donut Shop Peppermint Bark. For whatever reason, I absolutely love this!

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
It’s a busy week this week! I have a lot of prep for the upcoming winter break, Yule, and just life changes as a whole. This weekend was pretty hectic and I am working to get things back on track.

This Weeks Goal
– Works slew of accomplishments to get done
– Sort though my photography albums and get things organized (deleted, archived, etc..)
– Finish the re-vamping of my photography website (shameless plug! no cares!!)

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

Coffee & Chaos · Random Post

Coffee & Chaos

I spent all weekend not knowing what day it was…and now it’s Monday. What happened?! I want a refund on my weekend.

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This Mornings Coffee
One of my good friends who is stationed in Hawaii sent me some amazing Ka’u Coffee Mill coffee!! Just grinding these beans made my whole kitchen smell AMAZING! The taste of Hawaiian coffee is absolutely mind blowing!

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
I haven’t had enough coffee to give this week a thought. It’s an eventful week in the evenings this week, and there is some loose ends I want to tie up with work stuff but other than that….I have no idea!

This Weeks Goal
– Get Yule decorating done
– Deep Clean the house post yule-decorating
– Sort though my photography albums and get things organized (deleted, archived, etc..)
– Finish the re-vamping of my photography website (shameless plug! no cares!!)

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!