Rant

Bah-Humbug. Christmas is not the reason for the season. Axial tilt is.

GVK.pngPackage Damage and being returned. Package re-shipped. Package is….?? Called company, got hung up on. Called company back, no one can help me. Called another company- it’s not being delivered. I am about to explode. I LOATHE Christmas. L-O-A-T-H-E everything it stands for in the American eye. Selfish horrible holiday. I should not be this upset over something that is material and of no true value…but I am. Why? Christmas. It’s about gifts and superficial bullshit. You don’t give in and you look like a total asshole. You do give in and it’s nothing but headache.
 
Tell me I’m wrong? Go a Christmas without giving or getting a single fucking gift. NOT ONE SINGLE GIFT. It’s all about who gives the best, the biggest, or the most. Don’t any one single person on my list tell me it’s not unless you go every single day of the “holiday season” focused 100% on only your family and not a dang material item. I have spent this “holiday season” returning gifts being double bought, have had people buy stuff for people I’ve already bought, have had packages lost, and packages damaged. I’ve fought with family over what is an is not acceptable to be bought for a damn eight year old. I have listened to friends whine about going broke, I have had people claim they aren’t buying anyone gifts to turn around and buy gifts and make people feel empty handed and stupid….it’s a never ending cycle. All because no one wants to look bad or be the guy who “ruins Christmas”. No one wants to be whispered about. No one truly wants to be left out and have nothing to open Christmas day because this is American and we all like getting gifts. Every last person…even those like me that find it awkward and uncomfortable to be given/open gifts.
 
Want your “Christ” back in Christmas then stop buying people material shit and make food and and sit around and play games and enjoy family do your Church thing and volunteer Dec 1-Jan 1 for the “season” (holiday) hell! stop needing a reason for that shit in the first place. Want to be all mighty and “vibrate higher” and not have to deal with all the “grinches” and the other crap that people like me are complaining about? Stop buying material items and go make memories with your friends and family. Stop packing the underneath of the tree and stockings with things no one needs that won’t last more than a couple months- no matter how epic they are. Stop going broke finding the perfect gift that no matter what you think won’t make up for fighting, abuse, lack of love, dying relationship, poor parenting, cheating, or whatever else you think you can fix with a box and bow. Put the effort you put into Christmas into your relationships year round. Love, true friendship, and great relationships cannot be bought. 

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If you think it can…look at your heart and reflect a bit. If gifts are more important to you then those around you, good times/memories, and true love, respect, and companionship, YOU are the problem. That love language is tied to mental and emotional issues, and I would love to tell you why. It’s NOT tied to Christmas.
 
I was bound and determined since the Demon Seed was born to not do American Christmas. I was pressured by my family and in all honesty by society as a whole. Can’t have the only kid who has a cynical point of view about what America thinks is the happiest time of year. That’s how CPS gets called. I’m a bad enough mom as it is according to 95% of “normal parenting standards”- let’s not ruin American Christmas for him too. I stand firm in the fact that it’s wrong to promote excitement for a day of nothing but superficial BS. YET we want “Christ” back in Christmas, and want all this ’tis the season happiness crap- all so kids and adults alike can be bought fake love for a couple hours until they get bored with their shiny new toys, selfish because something was wrong or they didn’t get what they want, and bitter with family members for stupid reasons instead of politics and football.
 
I am indeed the grinch, and for all the right reasons. I am ready for the worst “season” (which by the way… is a holiday not a season) of the year to be done and gone so I can go back to my happily flowing life surrounded by friends and family who aren’t wrecked by this nonsense.
 
-The Krampus Herself, Ms.Mayhem

 

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Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

Well, my Monday started as…a Monday. In attempt to figure my sleep out, I essentially switched to a split sleep schedule. Well, Sunday’s throw that off because the Demon Seed has wrestling, so I have to be up at 9:30 and am up all day…in a gym…full of kids.. So I am exhausted. I try and nap but inevitably end up trying to get some sleep like I used to (ya know, like 3 hours LOL) wellllll, this morning, once I got the Niece of Doom in and tucked in, I feel back asleep. Usually how it goes. I have an hour and a half before we have to be up and get ready for the morning so it’s mindless right? Not if you didnt get any sleep prior! We were SO LATE this morning. No buses. everyone had to be dropped off. Demon was late by like 5 mins and Doom was late by like 15. UGH. so much fail. Monday for sure.

MAIN Dunkin

This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee was brought to you by the quarters in my center counsel and Dunkin. It’s a HUGE iced coffee and mocha and sugar. Yep, that’s right. A chocolately sweet coffee. Deal with it.

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
School is back in session. Winter session kicked off on the 5th. I am taking a full workload, one class which is math. I will be using this week to get my feet wet in my new classes as well as get my organization on point. Calendars all updated, classes in iStudiez, and prepping my 2019 planner book (yayyy The Happy Planner!). We kick the week off with a Wrestling meet on Sunday, and hit the ground running!

This Weeks Goal
– Get my sleep schedule tuned and on point
–  Get classes all put in planners and apps so I can kill this semester!
–  Get my 2019 Blog Schedule started. I found a kickass little book in Target I want to steal blog ideas from!

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

Monday- At home! It’s nice to be operating out of my office again. Everything neatly in it’s place, perfectly organized, and flowing with ease! *happy exhale*

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This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee is a Brazil from the amazing Axhead Coffee Roasters. This veteran owned, family operated business out of Jacksonville, NC brings you somethings so simple- an amazing cup of coffee. No frills, no gimmicks, just a damn good coffee! I am drinking my Brazil medium-course ground french pressed this morning.

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
Getting back into my flow after a week of being away is always hard. It also makes Monday morning a little lonely since I am back in my home office verse in a office full of people.

This Weeks Goal
– Make it through the week! (ha!)

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

 

Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

What’s worse than Monday? Monday morning when you’re sick! I made it so, SO long without catching anything going around and today? BAM! I feel like my head was hit with a train!

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This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee is a giant, strong cup of straight up Espresso. Maybe I can motivate the sickness out of me? Maybe?

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
This week my thoughts are about hitting my stride. Work, School, a lot of personal to-to’s and also combating what the hell this sickness is.

This Weeks Goal
– Get 100% of my classes in my iStudiez app. I was originally going to do it weekly, but I am thinking I want this semester in there up front.

-Hit my stride and keep going!

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

 

Uncategorized

Demons and Dialogue

It’s happening again. I find myself slipping into the abyss that is my mind.

8e34429318843818d49d164da68e1ca6I don’t think I will ever truly understand what gets me to this point. Things have been going really well. Getting ready to head to KY for work, which is always a good thing. Christmas is right around the corner, it’s been snowing (yayyy!!), I have removed the toxic people from my life which was a breath of fresh air. It’s all been good! Out of nowhere, it seems like I wake up one day and everything going on that I thought I was unbothered, or talked myself through hits me like a truck. (Whenever that metaphor is made I visualize one of those chicken-carrying trucks crashing and just feathers everywhere! why? no idea! It’s hilarious though!)

Once the chicken-truck smashes into me I end up sleeping all day, not eating, and crying at the drop of a hat. I hate who I see in the mirror. I lose my patience easier, I make decision based on my mood instead of using my brain. When all of that happens, my Lupus flairs and I end up actually sick- sometimes to the point of spending time in the hospital for my heart and such which puts me in an actual depression because than I really do feel broken.

It’s like a train wreck without the train 

There is no reason I should feel this way. NONE. Yet, there my demons are- waiting with open arms to take me around the dance floor of my brain. Whispering in my ear between every step that I’m not good enough, that I’m broken and unloveable, that I’m a horrible mom because I’m there, with them, instead of being the patient, loving mom we all are programmed to think is the only “right” mom.

I have no idea why I end up here. I know that only I have the power to stop the dance, to leave the door of my mind like Alice does Wonderland.

The hard part is once I’m here, it feels like home.79a69c8de978cf2739a76096893b8599

It’s hard to let go of the demons inside, they were holding you when no one would. 

5 years of therapy and medication has made leaps and bounds in my quality of life.  It has saved my life countless times. It has helped me through some of the worst times. It’s never the times that require me reaching into my therapy knowledge to get by that put me into this spell. This comes out of nowhere, triggered by apparently nothing. I haven’t missed meds. I have’t changed meds. Im not suicidal, Nothing has triggered me… Nothing has happened that I can see to put me here….yet, here I am keeping time with my monsters. It confuses my friends, it makes me a horrible mother, it makes to “too much to handle” for almost everyone around me. Cyclothymia is one thing- this….this is something that feel so different.

I live with the fear of not stopping the dance. Not finding the door back to reality which leaves me living with my minds inner dialog narrating my life for me. I worry that because I don’t know what causes this, I won’t be able to stop it. I worry they are right. What if I am a monster? What if I am unfixable and unloveable? What if I am like a curse to those who get too close?

I hate it. I hate who I am when this happens. I want to be the happiness I know I have. I want to be okay. I want to be the mom mini demon deserves. The friend my true friends deserve. To love without worry, to smile and mean it, to laugh from my soul and not from my mind.

This doesn’t define me. This won’t win. I’m a warrior. I’m successful. I am worthy. I’m scarier than any of my demons.

I have to find the door…

Coffee & Chaos · Random Post

Coffee & Chaos

Monday…. Can I pay you to just, go away? Pleeease?!

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This Mornings Coffee
This mornings coffee was a local one! Trve Kvlt Coffee!  I added my usual 1/2 scoop of raw sugar cane sugar and called it a morning! I love getting to support small businesses! Especially when its something like coffee!

Thoughts About the Upcoming Week
There are NOT enough hours in the day this week. I have 3 days to get Yule stuff finished before tiny demon is out of school for break. I also have to prepare to leave for a week at work in Louisville, KY (home sweet home!!) I need extra days or something! MOAR COFFEE!

This Weeks Goal
– Finish all the Yule Shtuff
– Get travel and lodging for work figured out
– Get the Garage and everything else spotless so when I come home from traveling I’m ready to start the new year on a good note!

I would love to hear about your upcoming week and goals for this week- even just your coffee choice! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!