Satire

4 Winter Storm Preparation Tips

I opened the weather app to see which end of the clothing spectrum I needed to dress Mini Demon in today, since Mother Nature is obviously bipolar. As the app loads, I see it…the red banner of doom. Warnings and advisories chirping away with words like “crippling” and warning of the possibility of a foot or more of snow and low temperatures. As my social media time lines begin to fill with storm talk, I wanted to help you all out with some storm survival tips.

Milk and Egg Sandwiches
Get to the store to purchase all of the milk, bread and eggs you need to
sustain yourself in case of a possible snow-in. Ignore the isles of things like canned foods, powdered milk, and peanut butter, because nothing says sustainable and nourishing img_0480incase of a power-outage or in the inability to cook quite like milk and egg sandwiches.

Travel Right as the Storm Hits
Don’t get the things you need days before the storm is supposed to hit, things could spoil or batteries could go missing. The best time to shop is right as the storm rolls in. If the shelves are barren, make sure you take a picture, and than settle for whatever bread or bagels you can get your hands on. Milk and egg sandwiches are just as tasty on whole-grain-off-brand-bottom-shelf-buns as they are on your favorite loaf of wonder bread! Realize you don’t have shovels, salt, candles, extra blankets or batteries? Standing in line at the local Wally World for 45 minutes is worth it. Make sure you complain about the wait with those around you, it will help you bond with those sharing in the hardship. Ensure you ask for the manager who should absolutely be held accountable for your long wait and lack of available storm-surviving needs. They knew a storm was coming 17270148_425066854506021_1592143462_nafter all, they should have been prepared!

Post Hourly Updates to Social Media
Nothing will help all of your local and nation-wide followers throughout the storm quite like posting to every single social media outlet every hour on the hour. Started snowing? POST IT! Heard the snow is going to continue through the night? POST IT! It’s also helpful to share every weather related thing your other friends post as well. Snowfall records, iced over houses, and every single post the local weather station makes. All of it needs to be passed on! Don’t forget your “storm selfies”. Make sure you snap yourself as you batten down the hatches or drive into the warp-speed like snowfall. Nothing lets everyone know you’re okay through the cold fluffy doom quite like consistent selfie taking.

Remember this is different!
Remember, this snow is different from all of the 7cac6cdbeae72d342e7098d0652c7bcbother snow you have seen your entire life. Make sure when you’re out in the heart of the storm for absolutely nothing important or pressing regardless of the state of emergency issued, you are driving at least 10 miles under the speed limit. Turning on your four-ways is helpful too. Traffic signs such as stop signs, yields and lane endings don’t apply when there is a winter storm. Make sure you honk and flash your lights at those who are following the rules to remind them that you need to last-minute fishtail merge or because you are coming through the 4-way-stop intersection without so much as a pause at the stop sign because they don’t apply. Don’t forget your storm driving selfie!

I hope these storm preparation tips help you survive Storm Stella and her possible 180+ inches of snow. Stay safe, warm and enjoy your milk and egg sandwiches

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