Healing · Random Post

Once Upon a Time- Backwards Blogging, Living in the Past to Heal the Future

…and so I will turn the page and start fresh. A new day, a better me, living to be the story I want to tell.

If you follow my blog via e-mail (which, I mean, you totally should!) you will notice from time to time you get notifications for posts that have dates that aren’t the current day. I have deleted all of my past blogs, and compiled them into this one. With that, as I begin to heal and move forward in the life I want to live, I find that the only way to close and heal from a chapter is to release it from my conscious.

IMG_9473I have a weird ties to deleting pictures. I take thousands of pictures, and hate deleting them, without a home for them or at least a use. Sometimes, deleting those pictures released mass amounts of burden, emotion, and bad memories- but even then, hitting delete is hard.

“There is no great agony, than bearing an untold story inside you.” -Maya Angelou

I have decided that I will give them a home, and a voice- here. I will backwards blog to events and times that play significant roles in my life and who I am at this moment in order to free myself of the mental and emotional burden those stories carry.  It’s time my side of things be heard. It’s time I speak of the past not to live there, or bring energy there, but to release all ties and all need to hold onto it. Sometimes I think I hold onto things because I was so wronged, or so hurt, that if I let it go it will make my side of the story non-exinsistant, and let the other side win or be perceived as the truth.

9ddb97b5d6c3a6c1b2627bdd47f8c648.jpgI don’t consider myself a blog that people follow for my cutesy posts, my witty self-marketing, or some kind of “get paid to blog” lifestyle blog. This blog was started for me. To learn to let go, accept, and grow. On top of that I give my story life so that I may be able to help even one person. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.

I struggle at times to cope with the past, and I feel like it’s because I have locked it all away so tight. It sneaks out at inappropriate times in the form of anxiety, worry, or even pain and distrust in those around me. I have lost friends and family because I have not told my story (and even at times because I did). There is a lot of ups and downs to my life, but as I focus on the ups, I feel like I need to release the downs so they can no longer weigh me down.

So, as my blog grows forward, it will also grow backwards- for the sake of my sanity and understand and to set myself free.

 

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iPhotography · Prompts

Surprise- You Don’t Belong Here!

I walked outside yesterday, and found then NEON RED Tulips blooming! I didn’t plant them, they weren’t here last year, and did I mention they are red?! My whole garden is famous for being filled with Black (aka actual black, dark dark purple that looks black and dark dark red that looks black) perennials and plants.

Well, was, until the townhouse landscapers killed them all a couple weeks ago.

So imagine my surprise when I walked outside and saw these magnificently bright flowers! Even my hellhound was confused! Thank you previous owner or Mother Nature for this lovely surprise! (I’ll forgive you for not making them black)

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This post was prompted by The Daily Posts’ Weekly Photo Challenge “Surprise“. I would love to see your take on this prompt! Ping me so I can!

Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

I woke up feeling like I was running a marathon. Life has been completely balls to the wall non-stop the last week, and here I am at my desk feeling like I just got out of one of
those wind tunnels… Nothing left to do but pour some coffee and get to it!

CoffeeANDChaos2 (3)This Mornings Coffee
Starbucks Caffe Verona K-Cup…times 2

Monday Mindfulness
Stretched. I am feeling very stretched thin and pulled in a million directions. I have had so much happen and so much upcoming that it’s like being at the halfway point of a marathon…

This Weeks Intentions
– To not let anxiety win. I can conquer all the things I need to, and I have everything under control. No need to fret!

– To be as upbeat as possible through all of this- to work on envisioning each task I complete like a weight being lifted off.

This Weeks Goal
– To complete every single thing on my weeks To-Do list without migrating it to next weeks! (I am pretty guilty of that from time to time!)

I would love to hear about your intentions and goals this week- even just your Monday mindfulness! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

Healing · Random Post

Officially Divorced- Closing a Chapter and starting a new!

4 Years, 11 Months, 9 Days.

 

divorcedAs of 1019 this morning, the Judges Staff Attorney emailed me to confirm, that after nearly TWO YEARS of jumping through hoops, my divorce FINALLY went through and is DONE. After nearly 5 years of marriage, (the last 2 which were spent separated) I can finally close that chapter of my life and move on. It’s all over. Bittersweet, but over.

I took a lot away from my experience being married, and have learned so much about myself. I am a better person because of this marriage and divorce. There is no hard feelings, no bad wishes, and absolutely no reason the two of us will ever have to speak another word to the other. Was the past a train wreck? yep. Were we both at fault for this? yes. Are we both completely better this way? without a single shred of doubt.

This chapter of my life is closed, locked, thrown through the shredder, shreds burned, and ashes pissed on than burned again. I have tossed the match on that gas covered bridge and I’m not ever looking back.

Random Post

Laser Eyes- The Frustration of Being Forever Four-Eyed

Today I went into one of Cleveland’s top Lasik Eye Surgery Centers; Lasik Vision Centers of Cleveland . Chosen for their flawless 5.0 star rating, amazing reviews, and innovative state of the art equipment that is completely knife free, I was beyond excited for to book 18009877_443586402654066_599172362_n.jpgmy free Lasik Eval.

I have worn glasses since Kindergarten, and contacts since 2004. I have no idea what it’s like to see without something on my face or in my eye.

As it came time for me to order new boxes of contacts (which I can’t do online, only through a Doctor because of my horrible astigmatism and farsightedness) I decided I was absolutely over this hoop jumping and started researching Lasik Eye Surgery Centers. I know a huge number of friends and family members who have had it done and ranted and raved about it.

I have been wearing Cooper Visions “Pro Clear” toric lenses from day one of contacts, and I am nearly at the max of ability to wear contacts (yes, at 28 my eyes really ARE that bad). Seeing this made me nearly cry. Glasses are a huge inconvenience!! I cant wear sunglasses at will (and I would rather be blind than wear transition lenses, there is NOTHING attractive about those nor do I think they come in my script), they fall off when I’m super active, they slip often, and worse of all- my script is so high I
tend to look like a bug when wearing them. Not to mention they ruin makeup looks and 90% of my hairstyles because I have short hair. BLAH. I absolutely DESPISE my glasses. 12003208_151509665195076_1833634636718194045_n

Settling on Lasik Vision Centers of Cleveland, I went in today for my consultation- but without high hopes. I had been told by doctors in the past while getting my glasses or contacts script that I wouldn’t be a good candidate for Lasik or PRK. The staff was AMAZING! They were so friendly and informative. They detailed each step of the exam they were doing to see if  I was a candidate. After doing a series of tests (none of which blew air in your eyes or anything crazy!) I waited in the crazy chair that has the “which is better one or two” machine attached to it. After a series or “one or two” “a or b” tests from the Lasik Doctor, and blink and looked at me and exclaimed “My! You really do have one heck of a prescription!”.

At the point, she as gently as possible explained to me that they will not move forth with Lasik if they cannot guarantee 100% vision fix- and unfortunately for me and my astigmatism and far sightedness, I likely could not get that 100%. She wanted me to wear my glasses for another week (with no contacts) and than scheduled me to go Screen Shot 2017-04-17 at 1.14.59 PM.pngin again next Thursday to re-do the tests and confirm if I really am not a candidate, since I did have contacts in just the day prior- and apparently my toric lenses can throw things off.

So I wait another week to likely get let down for a final time. Could I get another opinion? Yes. Have I read the reviews and such of all of the other places in the Area (and even those an hour away!) Yes. Am I comfortable going to place that isn’t using anything close to as advanced as Lasik Eye Centers of Cleveland, Have reports of issues, failures, poor customer service and letting them “wing it” and try to fix my eyes to make a dollar? Absolutely not. If the top of the barrel says “yeahhh, no” I’m not going to pick from the bottom!

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t crushed. I can’t see without glasses on or contacts in- and I don’t mean that as a joke, my eyes are THAT bad. I love do adrenaline filled things like roller coasters, sky diving, roller derby and anything that involves going fast. Glasses seriously impact that ability, and without them on doing those things can cause motion sickness, headaches, or loss of coordination. As I near the end of my contact wearing life, this was the light at the end of the nearly 3 decades of eyewear. I guess I am doomed to forever be four eyed.

Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

Mehh…Monday, go away. Morning, give me another 5 hours.

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This Mornings Coffee
The entire pot. Literally made an entire Keurig cqoffee pot just for me.

Monday Mindfulness
Discouraged.  Today I feel absolutely defeated and it’s the most discouraging feeling ever.

This Weeks Intentions
– To keep myself afloat emotionally and mentally

This Weeks Goal
– To make it through the week without a massive breakdown

I would love to hear about your intentions and goals this week- even just your Monday mindfulness! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!

Coffee & Chaos

Coffee & Chaos

Monday is here once again. I feel like the weekends betray me with how fast they go by sometimes! What better way to kick the week into gear than with a coffee and some mindfulness! Lets go!

CoffeeANDChaos2

This Mornings Coffee
An Iced Venti Coconut Milk Mocha Macchiato from Starbucks (yeah yeah, I know, it’s froo-froo as hell..I can’t help it! It’s delicious!)

Monday Mindfulness
Recharged. I feel like my trip “home” to KY helped recharge me and my motivation.  I was reminded I am a vital part of the company, and what I do is important in helping the thin blue line. I felt apart of something again, and was reminded how fortunate I am that work allows me to work remotely while I am dealing with my heart issues so I can be close to family who can help me. I feel so motivated and so much clearer and focused.

This Weeks Intentions
– Maintain the good vibes I left Kentucky with
– Stay positive in my abilities and worth

This Weeks Goals
– To get the new system we started AT work in a good flow here in my home office.
–  To stay out of the hospital! (I don’t think I get to choose that, but it’s a goal!)
– To clean the WHOLE house top and bottom, like inspection style (since I can open windows!)

I would love to hear about your intentions and goals this week- even just your Monday mindfulness! Pingback to my Coffee & Chaos page, or this post so I can see it!