A year ago today, my entire world as I knew it came crashing to the ground. Nearly 15 years of best friendship and a year of dating than engagement. My first love. My “Great White Buffalo”. A year of enduring shitty treatment from those in your life, constant emotional roller coasters from your family, and worse of all- abuse from you. Physical, Emotional, and Mental. The manipulation, the mind games, the unjustified guilt trips. The hands and force that came with the alcohol. I was a beaten dog- yet I loved you with every ounce of my being. The words cut through me life a hot knife. I was lost. I was shocked. I was overwhelmed and I was numb all at once. I didn’t know how I would live life without you. You broke me down to the point where I couldn’t. You had me thinking I was too broken for anyone but you to love. I was too much for anyone but you to handle. Everyone loved you, you were the one every girl wanted, the guy every person loved and adored. You couldn’t be the bad guy so Tes just must just be crazy or have done something wrong. I lost a second family, I lost the life I spent 15 years dreaming would be mine. You took everything from me- a family, a home, friends and “friends”…everything. I had given up every single thing in my life to be with you, and you left me with nothing.
A year later, I still have no answers. No reason why. People ask, and I still can’t tell them anything, because I still don’t know. I’m sure the stories being told are one sided, or aren’t being told at all, so all kind of small-town rumors have been made up and spread. I avoid the East Side like a plague and never, ever go anywhere where I change running into you or any of our, well my former “friends”. I saw your sister while she was working- that was inevitable- I couldn’t make it through a simple greeting without losing my composure. I am still heartbroken, confused, and most of all left wondering.
A year later, I am doing just fine without you. My life is the best it has ever been. (other than moving back to NC all together…) I am living in a dream house in a perfect town. I wake up and fall asleep to the lake. I am recklessly pursuing the things that set my soul on fire. I am dancing again, I am taking pictures again, I am blogging again. I am putting my heart and soul into my work and the organizations I’m associated with. I am laughing and smiling and enjoying every day- the things I never thought I could do without you, I am not only doing, but doing 10 times better than I ever did with you.
A year later, it’s time my point of view finally gets said, so I can close this chapter and shred the pages.
I love you. No amount of time will change that. Through it all, I still love you…only now it’s with a piece of me that loves you for teaching me to Love Myself. To embrace my flaws. To understand that I don’t have to be “good enough” for anyone but Me. I love you for reminding me I am too much to handle- because I am forged from fire and made to glow brighter than everything else around me.