A Year Ago


A year ago today, my entire world as I knew it came crashing to the ground. Nearly 15 years of best friendship and a year of dating than engagement. My first love. My “Great White Buffalo”. A year of enduring shitty treatment from those in your life, constant emotional roller coasters from your family, and worse of all- abuse from you. Physical, Emotional, and Mental. The manipulation, the mind games, the unjustified guilt trips. The hands and force that came with the alcohol. I was a beaten dog- yet I loved you with every ounce of my being. The words cut through me life a hot knife. I was lost. I was shocked. I was overwhelmed and I was numb all at once. I didn’t know how I would live life without you. You broke me down to the point where I couldn’t. You had me thinking I was too broken for anyone but you to love. I was too much for anyone but you to handle. Everyone loved you, you were the one every girl wanted, the guy every person loved and adored. You couldn’t be the bad guy so Tes just must just be crazy or have done something wrong. I lost a second family, I lost the life I spent 15 years dreaming would be mine. You took everything from me- a family, a home, friends and “friends”…everything. I had given up every single thing in my life to be with you, and you left me with nothing.
A year later, I still have no answers. No reason why. People ask, and I still can’t tell them anything, because I still don’t know. I’m sure the stories being told are one sided, or aren’t being told at all, so all kind of small-town rumors have been made up and spread. I avoid the East Side like a plague and never, ever go anywhere where I change running into you or any of our, well my former “friends”. I saw your sister while she was working- that was inevitable- I couldn’t make it through a simple greeting without losing my composure. I am still heartbroken, confused, and most of all left wondering.20055-w-clement-stone-quote-truth-will-always-be-truth-regardless-of.jpg
A year later, I am doing just fine without you. My life is the best it has ever been. (other than moving back to NC all together…) I am living in a dream house in a perfect town. I wake up and fall asleep to the lake. I am recklessly pursuing the things that set my soul on fire. I am dancing again, I am taking pictures again, I am blogging again. I am putting my heart and soul into my work and the organizations I’m associated with. I am laughing and smiling and enjoying every day- the things I never thought I could do without you, I am not only doing, but doing 10 times better than I ever did with you.
A year later, it’s time my point of view finally gets said, so I can close this chapter and shred the pages.
I love you. No amount of time will change that. Through it all, I still love you…only now it’s with a piece of me that loves you for teaching me to Love Myself. To embrace my flaws. To understand that I don’t have to be “good enough” for anyone but Me. I love you for reminding me I am too much to handle- because I am forged from fire and made to glow brighter than everything else around me.
Healing · Random Post

Once Upon a Time- Backwards Blogging, Living in the Past to Heal the Future

…and so I will turn the page and start fresh. A new day, a better me, living to be the story I want to tell.

If you follow my blog via e-mail (which, I mean, you totally should!) you will notice from time to time you get notifications for posts that have dates that aren’t the current day. I have deleted all of my past blogs, and compiled them into this one. With that, as I begin to heal and move forward in the life I want to live, I find that the only way to close and heal from a chapter is to release it from my conscious.

IMG_9473I have a weird ties to deleting pictures. I take thousands of pictures, and hate deleting them, without a home for them or at least a use. Sometimes, deleting those pictures released mass amounts of burden, emotion, and bad memories- but even then, hitting delete is hard.

“There is no great agony, than bearing an untold story inside you.” -Maya Angelou

I have decided that I will give them a home, and a voice- here. I will backwards blog to events and times that play significant roles in my life and who I am at this moment in order to free myself of the mental and emotional burden those stories carry.  It’s time my side of things be heard. It’s time I speak of the past not to live there, or bring energy there, but to release all ties and all need to hold onto it. Sometimes I think I hold onto things because I was so wronged, or so hurt, that if I let it go it will make my side of the story non-exinsistant, and let the other side win or be perceived as the truth.

9ddb97b5d6c3a6c1b2627bdd47f8c648.jpgI don’t consider myself a blog that people follow for my cutesy posts, my witty self-marketing, or some kind of “get paid to blog” lifestyle blog. This blog was started for me. To learn to let go, accept, and grow. On top of that I give my story life so that I may be able to help even one person. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.

I struggle at times to cope with the past, and I feel like it’s because I have locked it all away so tight. It sneaks out at inappropriate times in the form of anxiety, worry, or even pain and distrust in those around me. I have lost friends and family because I have not told my story (and even at times because I did). There is a lot of ups and downs to my life, but as I focus on the ups, I feel like I need to release the downs so they can no longer weigh me down.

So, as my blog grows forward, it will also grow backwards- for the sake of my sanity and understand and to set myself free.


Healing · Random Post

Officially Divorced- Closing a Chapter and starting a new!

4 Years, 11 Months, 9 Days.


divorcedAs of 1019 this morning, the Judges Staff Attorney emailed me to confirm, that after nearly TWO YEARS of jumping through hoops, my divorce FINALLY went through and is DONE. After nearly 5 years of marriage, (the last 2 which were spent separated) I can finally close that chapter of my life and move on. It’s all over. Bittersweet, but over.

I took a lot away from my experience being married, and have learned so much about myself. I am a better person because of this marriage and divorce. There is no hard feelings, no bad wishes, and absolutely no reason the two of us will ever have to speak another word to the other. Was the past a train wreck? yep. Were we both at fault for this? yes. Are we both completely better this way? without a single shred of doubt.

This chapter of my life is closed, locked, thrown through the shredder, shreds burned, and ashes pissed on than burned again. I have tossed the match on that gas covered bridge and I’m not ever looking back.

Healing · Prompts

Seize The Night

I’m Duchess.
I’m not new at blogging- this is just a new blog.
A brand new blog, for a brand new start.

This is like opening the cover of a new notebook. All of the pages crisp, blank, ready to take on a purpose. To-do lists, doodles, important information, 16 different colors of pens and pencil.

This blog is a lot like that new notebook, if that notebook were being used to track me embracing my life. I am here to prove in a million colors of pens, in a million different formats, that no matter how dark your life may seem- Seize the Night. You need the darkest of nights for the stars to shine the brightest.

This blog is all about embracing my flaws, my quirks, my darkness, my setbacks. There is nothing glamorous about life. Nothing comes easy and without a mess. However, as dark as the night may seem sometimes- instead of straining to look for the light, I intend to use the dark as a blanket and make myself at home. I and I alone am in charge of the outcome of my situations. I may not be able to change fate, but I sure as hell can enjoy the ride.