Rant

Bah-Humbug. Christmas is not the reason for the season. Axial tilt is.

GVK.pngPackage Damage and being returned. Package re-shipped. Package is….?? Called company, got hung up on. Called company back, no one can help me. Called another company- it’s not being delivered. I am about to explode. I LOATHE Christmas. L-O-A-T-H-E everything it stands for in the American eye. Selfish horrible holiday. I should not be this upset over something that is material and of no true value…but I am. Why? Christmas. It’s about gifts and superficial bullshit. You don’t give in and you look like a total asshole. You do give in and it’s nothing but headache.
 
Tell me I’m wrong? Go a Christmas without giving or getting a single fucking gift. NOT ONE SINGLE GIFT. It’s all about who gives the best, the biggest, or the most. Don’t any one single person on my list tell me it’s not unless you go every single day of the “holiday season” focused 100% on only your family and not a dang material item. I have spent this “holiday season” returning gifts being double bought, have had people buy stuff for people I’ve already bought, have had packages lost, and packages damaged. I’ve fought with family over what is an is not acceptable to be bought for a damn eight year old. I have listened to friends whine about going broke, I have had people claim they aren’t buying anyone gifts to turn around and buy gifts and make people feel empty handed and stupid….it’s a never ending cycle. All because no one wants to look bad or be the guy who “ruins Christmas”. No one wants to be whispered about. No one truly wants to be left out and have nothing to open Christmas day because this is American and we all like getting gifts. Every last person…even those like me that find it awkward and uncomfortable to be given/open gifts.
 
Want your “Christ” back in Christmas then stop buying people material shit and make food and and sit around and play games and enjoy family do your Church thing and volunteer Dec 1-Jan 1 for the “season” (holiday) hell! stop needing a reason for that shit in the first place. Want to be all mighty and “vibrate higher” and not have to deal with all the “grinches” and the other crap that people like me are complaining about? Stop buying material items and go make memories with your friends and family. Stop packing the underneath of the tree and stockings with things no one needs that won’t last more than a couple months- no matter how epic they are. Stop going broke finding the perfect gift that no matter what you think won’t make up for fighting, abuse, lack of love, dying relationship, poor parenting, cheating, or whatever else you think you can fix with a box and bow. Put the effort you put into Christmas into your relationships year round. Love, true friendship, and great relationships cannot be bought. 

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If you think it can…look at your heart and reflect a bit. If gifts are more important to you then those around you, good times/memories, and true love, respect, and companionship, YOU are the problem. That love language is tied to mental and emotional issues, and I would love to tell you why. It’s NOT tied to Christmas.
 
I was bound and determined since the Demon Seed was born to not do American Christmas. I was pressured by my family and in all honesty by society as a whole. Can’t have the only kid who has a cynical point of view about what America thinks is the happiest time of year. That’s how CPS gets called. I’m a bad enough mom as it is according to 95% of “normal parenting standards”- let’s not ruin American Christmas for him too. I stand firm in the fact that it’s wrong to promote excitement for a day of nothing but superficial BS. YET we want “Christ” back in Christmas, and want all this ’tis the season happiness crap- all so kids and adults alike can be bought fake love for a couple hours until they get bored with their shiny new toys, selfish because something was wrong or they didn’t get what they want, and bitter with family members for stupid reasons instead of politics and football.
 
I am indeed the grinch, and for all the right reasons. I am ready for the worst “season” (which by the way… is a holiday not a season) of the year to be done and gone so I can go back to my happily flowing life surrounded by friends and family who aren’t wrecked by this nonsense.
 
-The Krampus Herself, Ms.Mayhem

 

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Healing

A Year Ago

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A year ago today, my entire world as I knew it came crashing to the ground. Nearly 15 years of best friendship and a year of dating than engagement. My first love. My “Great White Buffalo”. A year of enduring shitty treatment from those in your life, constant emotional roller coasters from your family, and worse of all- abuse from you. Physical, Emotional, and Mental. The manipulation, the mind games, the unjustified guilt trips. The hands and force that came with the alcohol. I was a beaten dog- yet I loved you with every ounce of my being. The words cut through me life a hot knife. I was lost. I was shocked. I was overwhelmed and I was numb all at once. I didn’t know how I would live life without you. You broke me down to the point where I couldn’t. You had me thinking I was too broken for anyone but you to love. I was too much for anyone but you to handle. Everyone loved you, you were the one every girl wanted, the guy every person loved and adored. You couldn’t be the bad guy so Tes just must just be crazy or have done something wrong. I lost a second family, I lost the life I spent 15 years dreaming would be mine. You took everything from me- a family, a home, friends and “friends”…everything. I had given up every single thing in my life to be with you, and you left me with nothing.
 
A year later, I still have no answers. No reason why. People ask, and I still can’t tell them anything, because I still don’t know. I’m sure the stories being told are one sided, or aren’t being told at all, so all kind of small-town rumors have been made up and spread. I avoid the East Side like a plague and never, ever go anywhere where I change running into you or any of our, well my former “friends”. I saw your sister while she was working- that was inevitable- I couldn’t make it through a simple greeting without losing my composure. I am still heartbroken, confused, and most of all left wondering.20055-w-clement-stone-quote-truth-will-always-be-truth-regardless-of.jpg
 
A year later, I am doing just fine without you. My life is the best it has ever been. (other than moving back to NC all together…) I am living in a dream house in a perfect town. I wake up and fall asleep to the lake. I am recklessly pursuing the things that set my soul on fire. I am dancing again, I am taking pictures again, I am blogging again. I am putting my heart and soul into my work and the organizations I’m associated with. I am laughing and smiling and enjoying every day- the things I never thought I could do without you, I am not only doing, but doing 10 times better than I ever did with you.
 
A year later, it’s time my point of view finally gets said, so I can close this chapter and shred the pages.
 
I love you. No amount of time will change that. Through it all, I still love you…only now it’s with a piece of me that loves you for teaching me to Love Myself. To embrace my flaws. To understand that I don’t have to be “good enough” for anyone but Me. I love you for reminding me I am too much to handle- because I am forged from fire and made to glow brighter than everything else around me.